Drew Wireless

I have not come even remotely close to achieving some of the personal growth items which I set out to do this time last year. I'm looking at the words which I wrote in this space last year: Sometimes we forget who we are or what's important in life. Days go by without ever living them. The days turn into weeks, then months, then years. My goal, however idealistic it may be, is to minimize how often I say "I should have" "I could have" "I would have". Well, I've allowed "stuff" to consume my thoughts and time.

At times, the level of consumption can be over whelming, almost paralyzing. Work, guilt, fear. Each individually, manageable. But allowing all three to consume you will definitely prevent you from achieving any sort of personal contentment or happiness. Which leads to:

One of my greatest friends and support over the last 4 years told me this. He knew certain thing were consuming my life. His words were simple and true. People like me, who care and feel passionately don't have the capacity to flip a switch and say "OK, done".

As I site here writing this, the sheer feeling guilt of not spending this time working, the guilt of not following through on all I set out to do this past year, the guilt of not calling Lucy (lots of fear on that one too), all the tremendous guilt about the divorce, ............crap, this list is endless................. All I want to do is cry. There's the another guilt, that you friends have dried my tears more than I have had to dry yours. I know, that's what friends are for. Yes, let some of it go Andy, Suck it up and let it go. Maybe if I keep telling myself that everyday, it might sink in. You friends know that water does not sink into rock.

Proud. I am proud of who I am and what I am. I believe that I have a huge heart, care deeply, extremely trustworthy, very sensitive, a happy heart, and a happy soul. I know these things because all of you have consistently reminded me of these. I am also very proud that you are my friends. One of these days you will all meet. I hope it's for a great party and not because of a tragic tower incident.

So, as I'm reflecting back on the facts above, does it scream "Um, so Andy, what the problem? Sounds like you have lots of work when other have none. Sounds like you have a small group of very great friends when other have few, none or anyone they can truly count on. Sound like you're pretty decent guy, when the world has so many selfish, mean people running about. Sounds like you're at least aware and are trying to make changes, when others simply don't have a clue or do know, but are unwilling to change because they see it as everyone else's problem."

True, comparatively, I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Why did I spend last night and this morning wallowing in self-pity? I don't know for sure. But I do think that letting go of some of the guilt and fear will improve my outlook and allow me achieve some of the goals I've set. Yes, Andy but how? I don't know.

God gave us these emotions (and many others) for a reason. He has also made it very clear that he has special plans for me. I'm not so inclined to easily dismiss anything God throws my way. I've asked him a few time what the plans were. I believe his response was "You'll feel it in your soul and the instructions are sometimes included" Now there is another guilt.........God talks to me more than I to him. I keep telling myself that I'll correct that......Yes, when Andy?...............

I'm going to let the following song ride for a little while yet. I'm going to put that CD back in my truck and try to listen to it once a day as a reminder. Friends, feel free to remind me too. You won't sound like a broken record. I truly appreciate you. Thank you for allowing me to vent.

Be strong. Stand up and live. God gave you life to live it. If you don't, not only will you disappointing God and yourself, but also those in your life that want the best for you. When you hear this song on the radio or play the CD, turn up the volume, hold your head up high and stand. Stand up for your hopes, dreams, desires, passions, and beliefs!

"Stand"

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand
Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on


Every time you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
Ooohhh